Maybe the child will continue the relationship with the person they have ‘falling in love with’ whilst married. Not approving of a girl whom he chooses, but their objection is for legitimate shar’i reasons, such as if she has a bad reputation, or she is not Muslim – even though marriage to a Christian or Jewish woman is basically permissible. See the answers to questions no. As for the first, fourth and fifth scenarios, it does not seem that he is obliged to obey them, because choosing a wife is the son’s right, not the parents’; they may intervene in some cases but not in all. Marrying early is loved even more and delaying marriage for no proper reason invites the displeasure of Allah. Question Your children deserve to have confidence in you to find good matches for them, otherwise, they will start looking to make their own matches. Your children need to be reassured that you will find them a good match. I’m pledging allegiance to the Caliphate – and no, I don’t mean ISIS, Islam Has a History of Protecting Civilisation, Not Destroying It. Whilst no doubt in the beginning they will be on their guard and not do anything unIslamic, the more time they spend in such company, the greater the influence, the more they wish to please their friends rather than please Allah. In this article we have attempted to describe issues and challenges a step-parent may face when two families blend together as one after marriage. Will they ensure that their children will be regular in going to the Mosque? It is not for them to interfere and make unreasonable demands. Newly married couples have a fragile new relationship to foster and new skills to develop as a married couple. I am sure this is not what any parent wants, so we have to ensure we do not behave like this. They will try to work hard for the marriage and if there are problems, will try their best to resolve them. If you are having problems with your parents' interference then saving your marriage is up to you. Once married, the girl often begins her married life at the husband’s parent’s home. The beginning of a marriage is very important, therefore we should strive to do everything to win the pleasure of Allah. The daughter-in-law is not a slave, she should be treated like your own daughter and likewise, she should treat her mother-in-law like her own mother. Many conflicts could happen; naturally, the new wife wants to cook for her husband, try to love and help her new in-laws for her husband’s sake. But it is important for anyone who wants to become a Muslim, to study Islam properly and only accept Islam if they really believe in it. With regard to your family’s objections to this marriage, you should note that the parents’ relationship to their son’s marriage may take several forms, such as the following; Not approving of any girl whom he chooses for himself as a wife. But again they will be surrounded by men, vying for their attention. Therefore parents need to be aware of the needs of their children. The relationship between mother-in-law & daughter-in-law should be one of mutual respect and understanding. The same scenario as that mentioned above, but he is infatuated with her, and fears fitnah for himself if he does not marry her. Hazrat Umar (r.a.) then brought the mother and daughter to his court and turning to his own sons said: “Here is a gem of a girl, who would make a great mother. Marriage is a very important institution in Islam. Sadly these days a lot of marriages are breaking up and ending in divorce. In the third case it is permissible for him, but obeying them is obligatory, and what is obligatory takes precedence over what is permissible. My mother’s rights over me, my rights over her, and the extent of my independence. This is not a matter in which he is obliged to obey them. The Holy Prophet (s.a.w) has said: “When a man has married, he has completed one half of his religion”, “Marriage is my Sunnah (practice), those who do not follow my Sunnah (practice) are not from me”, There are three basic reasons for getting marriage, they are:-. 6 Reasons Your In-Laws May Be Interfering with Your Marriage Destructive intruders and what to do about them . In this case he does not have to obey them if they tell him to leave her and not marry her, because that may lead to evil and fitnah that Islam came to prevent. The mother tried to reassure her that it was okay to add some water, but the daughter responded by saying that we must follow the Islamic injunctions. Most of them boy's. The parents have no right to force their son to marry someone he does not want. Marriage in Islam: Considered from a Legal Point of View by Dr. Ahmad Shafaat (1984) From a legal point of view Islam views marriage as an 'aqd or contract. Will they ensure that they are creating a God-fearing house? Why is it so hard for them to accept that the grown up son now has his own life? The answer to all your questions will be provided by Allah the Merciful but there is a way to get it from Him. What does Islam say about marriage? Arranged marriages are sometimes called ‘introduction marriages’ or ‘assisted marriages’ because the parents only help their children find the right partner. So she treats her daughter in law badly, making her into her personal slave, demanding she does everything, but never satisfied with what she does and then complains to her son about his wife, causing them to argue. You may want to read about … Parents, for example, do not possess the Islamic right to dictate every trivial matter to their married, adult son or daughter. I can relate with this, same thing happened to me. By: Khalid Iqbal, Founder Rahmaa Institute Islam encourages men and women to get married after divorce or the death of one of the spouse. The outlook and expectation of the youngsters is all wrong. Naturally, no woman wants to move out of her husband’s parent’s house, not when we are told by the Holy Prophet (s.a.w.) Pressurizes the daughter in law to conform to certain religious beliefs, cultural norms, or to conform to traditional gender roles June 30, 2015 at 4:52 PM. Some force their child to marry a Muslim or someone ‘back home’ to cover up this problem. Our marriage was arranged and things are going downhill. That applies even more so if you fear that her religious commitment may be affected if she has no one to look after her. There are a number of Muslim women who have taken this step and regretted it later. Is marriage against parents wish disobedience in Islam? Posted Apr 26, 2019 . The young people do not have to marry the person their parents have introduced them to. Because it is permissible for you to marry without adhering to their wishes, you will not be sinning or doing wrong. Not approving of a girl whom he chooses, but it is not for any legitimate shar’i reason, rather it is for personal or worldly reasons, such as if she is not beautiful or is not from a good family, and he is not infatuated with her and he does not fear any harm to himself if he does not marry her. Some parents get blinded by worldly things To produce children and provide a stable and righteous environment for their upbringing. You can get married without your mother’s knowledge, and try to guide her and advise her, and say du’aa’ for her and for your father. No doubt we want the best for our children; we want to give them a good future, good things, freedom etc. There is a lovely story about an incident that happened during the Khilafat of Hazrat Umar (r.a). You may be unaware of this behaviour, believing that they are good believing Muslims, as this is what is being displayed in front of you. Whatever the case, it is not permissible for her to get married without a wali. Most parents forget that after their offspring’s marriage, they should refrain from asking interfering questions or forcefully giving advice unless it is sought. What will it achieve, if a person just becomes a Muslim by name, perhaps doesn’t even believe in Allah? Your boys will meet many women at college, University, workplaces. Marriage is not between just man and women but 2 families, both man and women need to build their relationship while taking care and maintain relation with other family members especially parents in laws. Her integrity is not weighed in coins; it is to be measured in the scale of national values. Step-Parenting in Islam. I shall offer her the highest award in my gift, and which shall also be in the highest interest of the nation”. If your child comes to you and asks you to find them someone for marriage, then you should consider it and try to look for a suitable match. As a child, we should not be rude to parents. Help them, advise them, but do not try to control them. Does a mother have the right to Sometimes, it is due to jealousy; the mother doesn’t want to cut the apron string, she still wants to ‘mother’ her son, not share him with his new wife. She has come into your family, she is now part of your family. 5053 for a discussion on the rights that your mother has over you, and your rights over your mother. I met 1 year and a half ago a young Muslim who is 5 years older than me. So your boys will have to be strong, hence the need to develop their Taqwa. I am married for 19 yrs and my children are 17 and 12 yrs old. But these ideal conditions are often difficult to achieve for one reason or another. In those answers you will see more examples of that which we have discussed above. However the combination of these two conflicts could take a sinister turn in your life. End quote. Of course, the Holy Qur’an teaches: “So virtuous women are those who are obedient, and guard the secrets of their husbands with Allah’s protection”. In the eyes of Islam the status of the father and the mother is very exalted. Yes you will make your child happy that they are marrying the one they want, but what will be the gain? Interfering parents could be the root cause of marital difficulties. If this is the status of parents in Islam outside of marriage then how much greater must their involvement be considered when getting married. If one of the parents doesn’t really believe in Islam, will they allow the child to go to the Mosque? The mother wasn’t completely wrong. As a result, when marital disputes do arise, parental support, which is there for many Muslim couples, is not there for these women. When the pressure from in-laws and parents is excessive, a new marriage will crumble under the stress and interference. The daughter in law should be treated like your own daughter. Most Muslims believe marriage is a fundamental building block of life. Islam Stack Exchange is a question and answer site for Muslims, experts in Islam, and those interested in learning more about Islam. There are so many issues which can cause problems to the marriage later on, which again could end up in divorce. Will not the child hold resentment which will come out in this marriage? I feel as if I´m losing this war of trying to keep my marriage together. But if the child is ‘in love’ with someone else, then how will they give this arranged marriage the proper dedication that it deserves? Many times the parents do not consult with their children to find out what kind of partner they want, therefore the parent’s choice is completely incompatible to that of their child, and so problems could develop, as they have different outlooks, goals and the marriage could break up. The wife does not have to obey anyone among her in-laws, whether that is her husband’s father, mother, brothers or sisters, in any matter, major or minor, unless they tell her to do something which is obligatory according to Islam, or forbid her to do something that is haraam. Your children will have confidence in you finding them a good match, if they believe that you are looking for someone for them, not you. 2 COMMENTS. Shaykh Taqiy al-Deen (i.e., Ibn Taymiyah – may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Neither of the parents has the right to force their son to marry someone whom he does not want, and if he refuses then he is not sinning by disobeying them, because no one has the right to force him to eat food he finds off-putting when there … “Any woman who gets married without the permission of her wali, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid…” (Narrated and classed as hasan by al-Tirmidhi, 1102; Abu Dawood, 2083; Ibn Maajah, 1879). They then need to devote all their energy into their marriage and put the past behind them. Now comes the time when the mothers should not be nosey about the affairs of their daughters. You only realize your mistake when your parents overstep their limits to create a deep rift in your relationship by their uncalled for interference. The only way that anyone can survive in this materialistic society, a society which is engulfing the world and leading everyone away from Allah, is to ensure that Allah remains firmly rooted in our hearts. Getting good treatment A child, especially married, you should still treat parents well. To provide a legal union which safeguards society from moral and social degradation. In Islam, marriage is about two families coming together as well as a husband and wife. reject a woman her son wants to marry? Therefore you should speak to your children first, find out what they want, allow them to discuss with their prospective partner beforehand about careers, purdah, children etc. To create a pious and safe environment to raise their children and protect and develop Taqwa (Righteousness) in them to enable them to become God-fearing servants of Allah. Marriage is one of the most loved sunnahs of the Prophet (PBUH) in the eyes of Allah. As-salam we 'alekum. that: ‘Paradise lies under the feet of your mother’. Forcing him to marry a girl whom they choose for him, even if she is religiously committed and of good character. Under such circumstances, the obligation will fall to a girl with her husband’s consent. Of course, you should always be present, never leave them alone, but they should try to find out if they are compatible with each other. In fact, having the guardian of the woman who is about to get married is a necessary part of the marriage process. The first year of marriage is challenging for everyone, especially when they no longer have the bedrock of their family to lean on in times of hardship. Hence we as Muslims should not delay our marriage at all if the blessing is knocking at us on our door. With regard to haraam infatuation and its effects, and marriage to the one with whom one is infatuated, please see the answer to question no. Controlling Father. Sometimes when a marriage is having problems, the best suggestion maybe to ensure the marriage to work, is for the young couple to move out of the husband’s parent’s house. Conflict arises when parents don't approve of the child's choice, or parents and children have different expectations. They need to get their child to realise their mistake (in starting a relationship outside marriage), repent and change. Delaying marriages in Islam - NikahExplorer. It … The attitude and piety of the daughter impressed Hazrat Umar (r.a.) greatly and he ordered a man to purchase some milk from the girl the following day to see if water had been mixed with it. You encourage your daughters to study hard trying to get good qualifications, which will lead to a good job. But sometimes, they are given no choice, because instead of finding paradise, they find hell. SHARE. But the daughter refused to budge and said that that might be so, but: ‘how can we escape the notice of Allah and our own conscience?’. You should remember that because it is permissible for you to marry whomever you want and you do not have to obey your parents (in this matter), you should not fear their du’aa’ against you or their being angry with you, because that is a sinful du’aa’ which Allaah will not accept from them, in sha Allaah, unless you are wronging them and transgressing against them. Ibn Muflih al-Hanbali (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: The parents have no right to force their son to marry someone he does not want. The mother was telling her daughter that she was making very little profit selling the milk and that when she was little they used to add some water to the milk to increase the profit. A lot of problems in marriages are actually brought into the marriage. What is important to note, is that according to the laws of Islam, just like a young son or daughter is not allowed to disobey their parents in ma’ruf matters, so too, in the same way, a Muslim parent is not allowed to force their adult son or daughter into a marriage against their will, or to decide their marriage without consulting them/garnering their consent first. If you do not create a good Islamic atmosphere in your homes, then they may not have the Taqwa in them as you desire. The parents have to ensure that Taqwa is the most important ingredient in the marriage of their children. They have already been caught up in this materialistic pleasure based world. There are a lot of verses in the Holy Book relevant to the subject. No wonder most parents find it hard to raise productive and pious children! As a support to the marriage, the parents also play an important role in helping and guiding the married couple. So when they go to work or to University instead of being a good Muslim who has a strong relationship with Allah, they may instead seek relationships with non-Muslims, which could lead to going to pubs and clubs with them. What if it is a girl, if the mother doesn’t wear purdah, how will the girl be persuaded to wear it? Often there are only girls in one family, or only their daughters can care for their parents. When your parents interfere in your married life, have the courage to say NO. Honour Killings of Female Relatives by Muslims, The Islamic Khilafat – Its Rise, Fall, and Re-emergence, Marriage – Responsibilities of Parents from Islamic point of view, Ashab us-Suffah – The great lovers of the Holy Prophet (s.a.w). In Islamic marriage, Muslim parents are not allowed to force their children into marrying someone against their will. We advise you to try to convince your parents so that you can combine two good things: obeying them and marrying the one with whom you are infatuated. Anybody can ask a question Anybody can answer The best answers are voted up and rise to the top Islam . The child needs to be the one to stop the relationship, put an end to it and be determined not to get involved with anyone else again until they are married. When your parents interfere in your married life, it makes your relationship highly stressed and tensed. They do not make the decision for them. Sachin says. After this, the parents should refrain from interfering in their affairs. If some differences crop up between the daughter and the son-in-law, the parents should side with the son-in-law, instead of siding with their daughter, even if the son-in-law … So these are some of the problems as to why marriages are breaking down. The exemplary behavior of children towards their parents is rated as one of the best invocations. You should remember that it is not permissible for you to marry this girl without her having a wali (guardian). In accordance with Islamic teachings that the obligation of men after marriage is to his parents first, then to his wife and child. It seems to us from the rulings on the scenarios mentioned above that the son should obey his parents in the second and third cases, and that it is definitely obligatory for him to do so in the second case. To make it easy for parents, I have narrowed down the Islamic parenting to five essential principles. This is not always a bad thing; many times it stops at mere concern for the grown child’s life and gentle, … They need to be free, to make their own decisions and mistakes. I know no better bride than this girl of sterling character. In the second case the matter is clear and he has to obey them, because he is going to do something that is bad for their son and may also affect them. He is the brother of 6 sisters and he left them to live with me in the UK. It has put parents in a very difficult position, what should they do? 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